The following should make your
day...
__________________________
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed
to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and
see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If
you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become spokesperson for a federalanti-smoking campaign.
________________________
What they said...
"I've never had major knee
surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of
Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings,
Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington,
DC.
"We're going to turn this
team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
"I'm not going to have
some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on
the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel
deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong
in taking this great country away from them.There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety
percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's
harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"If you let that sort of thing
go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevan.
"I love California.
I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to
say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional
input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North,
from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't
applicable in football.A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC
Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we
run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen
event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of
Australia's imports come from overseas
-- Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will
be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of
Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"It is wonderful to be here
in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Hawaii is a unique state.
It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Your food stamps will
be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error
in last week's paperin which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant,
of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely
Standard, a British newspaper
_________________________
"If somebody has a bad heart,
they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
"A person without a sense of
humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. "
______________________
A
group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments :
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes,
I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis
in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well,
it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive ! "
_____________________________
During one "generation gap" quarrel
with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it
here at home, so I'm leaving.
Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door.
His fatherrose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want youto try and stop me."
"Who's
trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
"I really only need mine for close
reading," explained the first.
Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."
The third confessed,
"I rarely wear mine -- except when I want to see."
___________________
An old preacher was dying.
He sent a message for his Income Tax agent and his Lawyer (both church members),
to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IT agent and Lawyer were touched
and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because
the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one
of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked,
"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
______________________
